Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
