I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
