The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
