I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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