3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I had to cum in my sink.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
