mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
