You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
