Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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