I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
