I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
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