Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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