My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
