can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
