Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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