Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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