no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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