Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
