careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my sisters under your porch take her home
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
