I looked at my own cervix.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
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well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
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The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name