can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.