I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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