Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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