The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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