3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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