I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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