I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
