dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
