Your tits are I can't wait for
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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