I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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