Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
