Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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