I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
