My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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