You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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