Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
