You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
