so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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