also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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