Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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