They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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