My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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