So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
