Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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