i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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