people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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