new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
