She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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