Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
