I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
