I got chris browned last night
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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