she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize