Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
