I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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