Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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