i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
